When a family goes through a crisis, many couples consider divorce as the only solution possible. How to make this serious and radical decision? How can we understand that nothing can be done about it? What questions should we ask ourselves before daring to divorce? Psychotherapists have the following view on the matter.

Getting married, there hardly are people who think that an unhappy marriage will make them consider the idea of a divorce. The majority believe that their union will last eternally. However, family life is often imbued with difficulties and problems we aren’t ready for and can’t cope with. Some couples manage to solve their problems and move on; whereas others get lost in quarrels and misunderstandings so that they see no way out.

If you aren’t physically endangered in a relationship, psychotherapists suggest taking a break and answering nine questions.

Do I love my husband/wife?

Opposed to a widespread opinion, love doesn’t heal everything. Sometimes it’s hard to be found behind constant stress, tiredness, and routine. Nevertheless, if there is at least the slightest spark left, ask yourself if you can make fire out if it again.

Do I need another relationship with a partner?    

There is a difference between an unhappy marriage and a union that cannot be saved. In case you want to change a relationship with your partner, try other methods than a divorce. A divorce is a last and radical STEP.

Was it a mistake by default or we cannot cope anymore?

What does “a mistake by default” mean? It means that partners weren’t ready to get married. For instance, you got married too early not realizing why you need it or who your partner is. Or because of pregnancy. Or your relatives wanted you to marry.

Once your marriage falls under one of these categories and you’ve dared to divorce, make conclusions for the future so that you won’t repeat previous mistakes. In case your marriage is based on a long-term, stable, and trusting relationship, probably you have to work on relationship skills; and it doesn’t mean that you’ve chosen a wrong partner. 

Have you asked for help and tried to cope by yourself?

Family therapy isn’t a universal means of coping with problems of this kind. If you are visiting a specialist but there is no progress, it doesn’t mean that you should give up. If you believe your union is worth fighting for, find another therapist. Probably, their methods will be more effective. Most importantly, don’t let a therapist say your marriage cannot be saved.

 At the same time, don’t forget that therapists aren’t magicians. They cannot “correct” a partner. Changes and development require a lot of time and both partners’ mutual effort. In case two loving people want to be together, they will find enough strength to cope with any problems. 

Have you experienced stress recently?

Partners in any relationship go through tough times. Sometimes, such difficulties become more obvious than all positive moments. As for the most frequent and painful types of stress, here belong financial problems, work loss, miscarriage, or infertility. In these cases, the possibility of a divorce considerably soars. If you live in a state of permanent stress, every petty trouble will seem insuperable.       

Before you sue for a divorce, try to find help and cope with difficulties spoiling your life. It’s very difficult to cope with problems alone, especially if you are surrounded by mourning or the feeling of a loss.

Do I admit my guilt?

No one is perfect. The root of the problem doesn’t matter as well as your partner’s behavior. A relationship is a business of two people, and both partners influence a relationship. Probably, we are criticizing, underestimating, breaking our promises, not discussing our problems or feelings. To admit one’s guilt doesn’t mean to accuse oneself of everything. It means taking responsibility for one’s deeds and reactions. Correspondingly, your partner is responsible for their deeds and words. Realizing your “contribution” to the problem you can find solutions that may change your life for better.

If I divorce because of sexual life, have I tried to fix it?

You can solve the problems connected with sexual life yourself or with a therapist. There hardly are absolutely compatible couples who want the same at the same time. People often give up instead of talking to each other, show some flexibility, understanding, and sincerity towards each other.

Try to discuss the things you like and the things that make you anxious. Tell each other about your desires. Be open and sincere, listen to your partner calmly and politely. Suggest options instead of complaints and criticism. Before you divorce because of bad sexual relations, why not try to change it for better?    

Don’t I expect too much from my partner?

Of course, you shouldn’t put up with violence and humiliating attitude. But you have to consider if it’s an adequate expectation: my partner has to be stable and romantic, build a dazzling career, do things around the house, cook a dinner of five dishes, and be a perfect parent.

Is there a third party?

If we are talking about a one-time betrayal, constant flirt, online dating, or a serious relationship with another person, it may be very difficult to understand what we should do. You should ask yourself whether a betrayal hasn’t been an attempt to hide from unsolved marriage problems. Not all betrayals stem from problems in a relationship, but a lot of them. Because of everyday routine problems, sometimes we feel that family life isn’t as happy as before. That’s why we may decide that we need something new and exciting. However, keep in mind that 75% of “new” relationships don’t evolve into serious ones. Thus, don’t hurry to divorce if you just want something new. Try to use your energy to refresh an already existing relationship.